The Colbert Report/Episode/492
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro Big Changes For The New Year! * Dr. Colbert began the show reminding America about the old drinking adage: ** liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor never sicker * of course, Dr. Colbert followed offered an addition: ** grain alcohol before egg nog wake up spooning with a seagull in a reservoir * liberal Alan Colmes has left FOX news to make room for Hannity's neck * there is speculation where he might go: ** Air America Radio ** MSNBC ** go back to terrorize Smurf Village * will be joining Stephen in a new program called "Colbert and Colmes" * Alan joined Stephen behind The C Desk on his own chair * Stephen had Alan read off a list of words and phrases which he would be allowed to say: ** Right again, Stephen! ** Booyah! ** Brilliant insight, Stephen! ** Aw snap! ** Hamburger, you're good! ** Boom! Goes the dynamite! * They begin their first segment discussing Illinois governor and cranial muskrat smuggler, Rod Blagojevich's selection to replace Senator Barack Obama, who was elected president. ** Blaogjevich did not select Plaxico Burress, but Roland Burris * after an extensive and well-cited analysis regarding the imposing taint surrounding Blaogjevich, Dr. Colbert remarked that the current taint is the biggest taint since Michigan Senator, John Longcrotch * Dr. Colbert was able to discover Harry Reid's true intentions after hearing Brown Haired Guy Who's Not Steve Doocey explain the democrat's hidden racism ** Democrats only elected Obama to the presidency in order to get him out of their all-white Senate *** thus giving him a separate, but equal branch of government * More proof that the Democrats are racist: they are fighting to seat Al Franken ** a noted white man ** may be black by Minnesota standards * Dr. Colbert insisted that his liberal co-host explain how racist Democrats are using a scale that ranges from "Archie Bunker" to "The Klan" * Dr. Colbert doesn't know how many blacks Republicans have because he doesn't see race, but Harry Reid does ** Reid doesn't want Burris to vote or own property * The hero of the whole story is Rod Blagojevich, whose civil right's leadership should be rewarded with his own holiday * Al Franken may be seated and Stephen is outraged because he doesn't think a comedian should be allowed to run for public office ** Blagojevich's next appointment may be Carrot Top or Gallagher, who can use Palosi's gavel to squash watermelons, but not in the racist way like Colmes inferred SEGMENT3 * Alan tells Stephen he has read Tek Jansen and deduced that Stephen doesn't like books * Stephen tells him to put the book back on the shelf then he introduced the newest episode of Tek adventures. * Episode 3 of the New Tek Jansen Adventures ** Venus Williams! Interview * John King * as Stephen goes to interview his guest, he tells Colmes to "stay" * White House Correspondent for CNN ** new host for CNN's Sunday morning program at 9 a.m. *** might call it The King Report Stephen suggests * On The John * Stephen thanked him for getting Obama elected * King admitted he made mistakes on the run-up to the war ** Stephen didn't * the buck should stop with Obama ** it may have started with Bush, but it should stop with Obama * Presidents leave notes for each other ** Bush's note for Obama may be a rebus Epilogue * Dr. Colbert closes the show at The C Desk with Alan * talking about Bush's legacy tour and compares him to a 7-layer cake, the layers being: ** resolute ** family man ** brush clearing rancher ** man of God * Alan interrupts to say that Stephen didn't mention 7 layers * Stephen continues, by naming the other layers: ** Good athlete ** chocolate ** coconut ** graham cracker crust * Alan interrupts again, telling Stephen that he named 8 layers * Stephen fires Alan for interrupting him ** Alan whines that he has a contract that says Stephen will have to pay him for 5 years * Stephen consents, writes the check ** then Alan turns into a bat and flies away * Dr. Colbert invites everyone to watch tomorrow when the show will be: ** The Colbert Report, Colmes-free Since 2009! Gallery Image:C&COpening.gif Image:DrColbertAlanColmes.jpg Image:Colbert&Colmes1stSegm.jpg Image:AlanColmes1-5-2009.jpg Image:Colbert&ColmesLogo.jpg Image:Colbert&ColmesEpLogo.jpg Image:IntroJohnKing1-5-2009.jpg Image:JohnKing1-5-2009.jpg Image: Motherload Videos External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments